Time to bring down the mood just a little. I may never return, for 2 major reasons and you probably know exactly what I'm about to say. But first, a general update on some of the points in my December 3rd 2017 update. The new foster carers nag and the way I live life seems almost alien to them. In fact, they nag a lot. But unlike my old carers, their nagging actually feels like they're just trying to help me break out of my bad habits. As for the beach, it's a pretty big one, although it'll never beat Blackpool's beach. Along the back and sides, it has some rocks perfect for skimming and others for throwing. So occasionally, if I need to vent, I can just go on a 5 minute walk and chuck to my heart's content. That doesn't sound right to a sailor. The grades are still hard to keep up, but I'm getting there. A couple of months ago, I got my first, and only, A* in a Chemistry end of unit exam, my worst Science. I've also had 2 A's in Physics and a few B's, and an A and a few B's in Biology. I got a C in a History mock. I was only a few marks from getting B's in my external Maths exams although I can't be arsed to do that again. It's the best I'll ever get (But Numeracy paper 2 was ridiculous - hopefully someone else out there did early entry intermediate and knows.) I also got an B for my English group and an A* for the speech, even getting invited to join the school's debating team, an offer I declined because debating clubs have rules on how extreme your view can be. As for that little crush I had, she's taken and I hope he treats her well. I've since started getting feelings for a girl in my little group of friends and I can tell there's something going the other way, but she's gay and she's trying to go out with someone else, so there's not really any point in bothering with her. Hopefully whoever she's after doesn't turn out to be as big of an asshole as me. Going back a bit, it's not just the one friend anymore. There's the person who invited me to join the group, who was expelled for breaking a computer, his best friend who is still my best friend, the best friend's girlfriend and his ex, the afformentioned crush, a severely autistic (and amazingly fun) guy we nickname Rabbit because of the way he runs - don't worry, we all have nicknames, mine just hasn't been found yet - the beanstalk who originally started calling him Rabbit, and another person who occasionally pops in, along with a huge group of other regular visitors. The core group and I are going to Carmarthen on July 12th to do avoid being asked to go to the prom by people we hardly know since all of us would literally rather die a slow, painful death. There's one regular who really annoys me though. I'm gonna call him "Ginge" since he mocks me endlessly for my glasses. Ginge and his little group of asshats like to walk up to us, their tinny speakers blaring their cancerous drumstep, basically molest the ex, and mock us for about 10 minutes at a time. That ex I mentioned isn't just my friend's ex. She's also Ginge's ex. They're both single and they both seem to want eachother again, so we can't push him away or she'll go with him and become one of them. I'm legitimately shuddering at the thought of it. I give them subtle signals to fuck off every single time, but they won't take any notice. They're like jocks in American high school movies, except they never get any reward. And most of them are 13. I've now been with my new carers nearly the same amount of time I was with the old carers. By this time I was really starting to grow tired of their bullshit. This time around, however, I seem to have struck the closest to gold you'll get with foster carers; probably something more like tin or aluminium. I'm not living off celery and fake Rice Krispies anymore, and I'm not out caring for the animals that their tax breaks pay for instead of them. And best of all, I'm in civilisation again. I've already mentioned the proximity to the beach, but I'm also about a 50 minutes walk from a football pitch - definately worth it even with the lack of pavement - and I'm about 30 minutes from the crush who actually works only down by the beach. We bump into eachother quite often, sadly never when I'm in a good mood since venting and food are my only encouragements for leaving the house. Even if I don;t have a chance with her, we can still be friends, and I am well aware that I've friendzoned myself in doing that. But it's out of respect, so... OH GOD SHOOT ME NOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OFF R/NICEGUYS! Dammit - Ezra's on the radio and it's 2am. I wanna turn it up but I don't wanna wake up my brother who is in the room directly underneath mine. On to the reasons: 1: The computer is dead. The cat apparently spilled BBQ sauce over the motherboard and it apparently can't be cleaned. Apparently it'd already been wiped and prepared for my younger brother and I to use again. Whatever, if I ever get a job I'll get a decent-ish computer as soon as I can. 2: I know I've made everything sound positive so far. But the truth is, everything's going wrong. I've lost all focus and, no matter how hard I try, I can't pay attention in class. As a result, besides English, I haven't had more than a C since the start of the last term, Even getting U's in some subjects. Also, I know you're gonna try and convince me otherwise, but I can tell my friends don't like me much. I've essentially used the crush as an emotional punchbag without realising while we've been alone, because she knows exactly what I'm going through. She's amazing at calming me down, but I can tell she avoids me when I'm on my own. And it wouldn't surprise me if she'd told others of how I've treated her. I just squeezed the orange juice from my bottle into a cup. It will've sounded to my brother like I was having a wee. He won't believe me if I tell him the truth. Oh dear God. And even with the positives of my new carers, for whatever reason, I just can't stop feeling empty. It doesn't matter what's going on, I'm just... Bored? I guess that's a good way of putting it. I can be laughing and joking with my friends and still, deep down, it's the same as just sitting on my bed doing fuck all. Not even a phone in my hand, not even wanking. And this is exactly why I left and exactly why I won't return. I opened Word 2 hours ago just intending to make a quick update to say I was doing fine, but still too volatile to return. Then I blacked out for a bit and then it was now and then I don't know what happened. As I just said, I'm still far too volatile to return. Probably even more so than when I left; I used to sometimes feel happy, sometimes feel sad. Now, that sadness has gone to the far extremes, comes on faster, lasts longer, and hurts more. This is supposed to be a happy community. I am not happy. The lack of me will make this place a lot happier.